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Title: Chapter 2: That's What He Said
Author: ainohimeliz
Fandom: The Pee-Wee Herman Show, Pee-Wee's Big Adventure, Pee-Wee's Playhouse
Pairings: Pee-Wee/Miss Yvonne, Captain Carl/Dixie
Genre: Historical Comedic Fairytale Parody with Vampires
Rating: Teen
Summary: Pee-Wee Herman's I-Love-That-Story Fairytale Theatre presents a wacky retelling of Twelve Dancing Princesses.
Disclaimer: Yeah, I totally got Paul Reubens permission to write this clearly unauthorized fan-fiction and if you believe that, I have some lovely ocean-front property in Tennessee to sell you.
NOTE: Contains historical characters, but little to no historical accuracy, so don't bother me with corrections. I've done the research and am purposely using artistic licences.
Please leave any reviews HERE

"That's it. I'm cutting you off." The tavern lady scolded, "Congratulations on being the first customer to reach their limit before having a single drink."

"I like that about me," the young man said as he finished his story.

The lady sighed, "Can I get you anything else?"

"Yes, Reba," he read off her name tag, "The name of this village. I've asked around, but everyone seems to have a cold."


"You too, eh? Maybe you should have taken the night off."

The lady stopped for a moment, gave the young man a strange look and turned tail back into the kitchen without another word.

"Was it something I said?" he wondered.

"Definitely", said a voice from behind, "So, Pee-Wee, is it? Does your story have an end to it or is your princess still in another castle?"

The boy turned around to see a sailor in a tattered uniform sitting next to him, "How did you know I was the boy in the story?"

"Call it a hunch," the sailor replied.

The boy was a tad irritated, but still impressed by his new friend's intuition, "So what do they call you, Eavesdropper?"

"It's Carl, and everyone in the bar can hear you, Loudmouth," he took a sip of his drink and continued, "In my all my years as a sailor, I've been to some strange places and heard some interesting stories, but I haven't heard a soul in a thousand miles who'll even mention the name Bathory. It's a name that has been erased from polite conversation. It's best saved for shady places."

Pee-Wee looked around, "This place looks shady enough. Tell me everything you know!"

"Countess Bathory was the most notorious mass murderer ever known. It was said that every night she'd spend hours torturing her servant girls until they died in agony. Then she'd revel in her work by bathing in the victims' blood," Carl noted Pee-Wee's worried look, "But I doubt you have anything to worry about."

Pee-Wee blinked his eyes as if coming out of a trance, "What? Why?"

"First of all, the Countess's victims were always peasant girls; never daughters of the nobility. And second, the legend is three hundred years old. That woman is dead as a doornail. The Countess Bathory you know can't be the same one; a distant relative maybe, but not the infamous Blood Countess," the sailor dipped his hat and turned to leave, "In any case, I've got bigger fish to fry."

"Really," Pee-Wee retorted, "Aren't you a little far from sea, Sailor?"

"I got lost," Carl said rolling his eyes, "Okay, fine, my ship in the Mediterranean was decommissioned and I'm out of work. I looked for a new job, but...nah, you don't want to hear it."

"No, really, I do," Pee-Wee said smiling.

Carl hesitated, but something about the simple sincerity in Pee-Wee's smile made him continue,"It just isn't what I want to do with the rest of my life. I love the sea, but I'm sick of being a crewman. I want to sail out to the horizon to all kinds of exotic places on my very own ship."

"So get your own ship."

"Sure, I'll get my own ship, as easy at that."

"But isn't it?"

"It only is if you have money. Got any to spare?"


"Neither do I," Carl sat back down, sinking into the chair.

Pee-Wee knew he had struck a chord in his new friend. He had to find a way to lift his spirits up, "Have you ever tried bounty hunting? I think a good listener like yourself could get filthy rich being a narc for the police. Why, I'll bet you could earn 200 pieces of gold this very night with the information floating around this very tavern."

Carl paused for a moment. "You think so, eh?"

Pee-Wee gave Carl a re-assuring smile, "Sure, give it a try. It never hurts to try."

Carl sat for a moment and tuned into the surrounding tables one by one, "Hmmm, prices of Goats milk going up...goats...goats...sex...goats...sex and goats...this is one boring village...wait a minute...sounds like there's some dealing going on at 2 o'clock."

"But it's only 11:30."

"No, behind you...don't look at 'em...there's a boy buying something off a Turk."

"Hey now--"


"What are they saying?" Pee-Wee whispered.

"Just shut up and listen!" Carl growled back. Pee-Wee took a deep breath and closed his eyes. Finally, he was able to make out the conversation.

The first voice had to be that of the boy, "Before we go any further, I need to see the item in question."

The other voice was deep and booming. It had to be that of the Turk, "Surely, you understand I cannot just whip something this valuable out."

"I see you aren't interested," The boy sounded unmoved. Clearly he wasn't afraid of offending the dark man.

The turk gave the boy a knowing laugh, "See for yourself."

The boy took the bag and smelled the contents, "100% pure Spanish. 110% illegal in this area. Usually sells for 50 pieces of gold per kilo." The boy smiled and handed the dark man a bag of coins. "My thanks to you."

Carl turned back to Pee-Wee, "I think we have a winner. How shall we go about turning them in?"

Pee-Wee haddn't thought that far. In a moment of shock he shouted out, "DRUG DEALER!!!"

Carl covered his face as a brawl erupted. It figured that the kid didn't know what he was doing.

Reba ran back into the room to find her tavern in chaos.

Pee-Wee had screwed up, but Carl wasn't about to lose the perp. The Turk had pinned Pee-Wee to the ground. The wind was knocked out of him, but he clumsily pointed to the boy who had weaved his way out of the riot and was sneaking out the door, "Get him!"

Carl ran after the boy into the dark streets, chasing after the alleged juvenile delinquent as fast as his feet could carry him. The boy, however, turned his head around and gave his pursuer a sarcastic grin as if challenging Carl to overtake him.

The boy turned a corner and lead Carl down a dark ally. But Carl wasn't impressed. In a final effort he leaped forward, grabbed the boy by the middle and tackled the boy to the ground.

Carl then looked the boy straight in the face, "For a boy, you're kind of pretty---GAH! Why is this happening when I haven't been to sea for so long?"

To Carl's astonishment, the boy replied by removing his hat revealing long luscious raven black hair and ripping off his coat revealing enough to prove he was actually a she and a very lovely one at that.

With a single glance from her luminous brown eyes, Carl was under her spell. She moved in closer and pressed her lips against his. Her kiss was intoxicating and Carl couldn't help but forget everything else around him. When their lips parted, Carl opened his eyes, but there was nothing but darkness in the empty ally and the girl had vanished as if by magic.

To be continued...